Reddit user leaves stepfather out of wedding: ‘Thoughtless’

A bride-to-be was perfectly within her rights to extend “father of the bride” duties only to her biological father and not to her stepfather as well, Reddit users assured the distraught woman. 

“AITA for not giving the role of father of the bride to both my dad and stepdad?” Reddit user “Mindless_Diet_5123” wondered in an Aug. 19, 2024, post on the “Am I the A–hole” (AITA) advice forum. 

In the post, the writer said she’s a 27-year-old woman and the youngest of four siblings. 

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“My parents divorced when my siblings (32m, 30f, 29m) and I (27f) were young,” she wrote. “I was a newborn when they separated, for context.” 

While her father never remarried, the woman said her mother married her stepfather when the girl was just 5 years old. 

Although her parents had equal custody, “we were closer to our dad than our mom or stepdad,” the woman wrote — as her father was “more of a nurturer and we had a closer relationship with him.” 

“We still loved Mom, but it wasn’t the same,” Mindless_Diet_5123 said, adding that “there were times we felt some jealousy and maybe even resentment about it” from her stepfather. 

“As an adult, I can sort of understand, especially if he loved us like we were his, though I also think it should always be a positive when kids have good biological parents and a stepparent isn’t needed to fill that role for a missing parent,” she said. 

“It’s less trauma for the kids.”

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But when Mindless_Diet_5123 was 10, her father was involved in an accident — and during his recovery, she and her siblings could not live with him.  

“During that year, my stepdad really did try to fill the role of ‘only dad,'” she said. 

“He and Mom already had a child together at this point, but he focused more on my siblings and me. He was really good to us and I told him a few years ago I appreciated that he didn’t resent us being there all the time.”

“During that year, my stepdad really did try to fill the role of ‘only dad.'”

But “none of us saw him as more of a dad afterward,” she said — something that her stepfather “resented.” 

As her siblings grew up and went to college, “my stepdad became a little more angry and a lot more resentful of Dad because Dad was their go-to person to call. I also chose to live full time with Dad at that point,” she wrote. 

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In this context, Mindless_Diet_5123 said she was the last of her siblings to get married and that her sister “had Dad as only father of the bride for her wedding” — and she intended to do the same. 

“My stepdad was quiet about my sister’s wedding,” she said. “But he has spoken up this time and he told me he couldn’t understand why I didn’t ask them both. He said he did just as much as my dad, and for an entire year he was the only father any of us had.” 

The Reddit user’s older sister (not pictured) also did not have the stepfather play a “father of the bride” role in her wedding – something that made him very upset.  (iStock)

Mindless_Diet_5123’s mother added that as the daughter was so young when her stepfather entered her life, “it made no sense to see him as less of a father.” 

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“They told me that even if I asked now, it wouldn’t hold the same genuine recognition and appreciation for my stepdad,” she said. “But my stepdad wanted me to know how thoughtless he considered my choice.” 

The woman then asked other users on the platform to weigh in on her decision.

Reddit users were nearly unanimous in saying that a woman should not feel obligated to put her stepfather in any role at her wedding. (iStock)

On the AITA subreddit, people can reply to posts and indicate the poster is “NTA” (“Not the A–hole”), “YTA” (“You’re the A–hole”), “NAH” (“No A–hole Here”) or “ESH” (“Everyone Sucks Here”). 

Users can “upvote” responses they think are helpful and “downvote” ones that are not.

Mindless_Diet_5123’s post received over 100 comments, nearly all in support of her decision to ask only her father to play a role at her wedding.

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“NTA. I am so sick of reading about these entitled parents in blended families thinking that doing something for a minute entitles you to all of the rights and privileges of being the actual parent,” Reddit user “NotCreativeAtAll16” said in the top-upvoted reply. 

NotCreativeAtAll16 added that woman’s stepfather “can want to be treated as the dad, but he came along [when] you were five. The others were even older. You lived with him and your mom for a year, and you never once wavered then and felt like he was anything more than your stepdad who married your mom. They need to let this go.” 

The Reddit user said that her stepdad (not pictured) told her she was “thoughtless” for not asking him to be part of her wedding. (iStock)

Another user identified himself as a stepfather and sided with the Reddit writer. 

“NTA. I’m a stepdad myself. It’s only been two years and my stepkids are preteens. I hope they see me as a supportive parental figure in their lives. All I want is for them to be happy and to thrive. If they feel closer to their bio dad than to me, I would totally understand and be happy for them,” user “cascadia1979” said. 

The same user continued that the woman’s stepfather “should be happy for you on your wedding day. If he feels any disappointment at not being asked to walk you down the aisle, he needs to either keep that to himself or share it only with your mom with instructions to not share it with you.” 

The writer added, “Divorced parents must never push their kids to choose between them. And the same goes for stepparents.”

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A relationship expert told Digital she agreed with Mindless_Diet_5123’s decision. She also agreed with the sentiment that the stepfather needed to be more mature.

“In this situation, the original poster is not in the wrong for not giving the father-of-the-bride role to her stepfather because she shouldn’t be guilted into giving that spot to her stepfather,” Nicole Moore, a California-based relationship expert and certified life coach, told Digital via email.

“She shouldn’t be guilted into giving that spot to her stepfather.”

Moore continued, “However, as her stepfather played such a big role in her upbringing, I would recommend that she create some sort of way to acknowledge him at the wedding.”

That said, the Reddit poster is under no obligation to do this, Moore said. 

“One of the biggest things a good parent must do is put their own feelings aside in service to the good of the children and in this case, the stepfather needs to put his jealousy and anger aside,” she said.

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