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There is almost always a moment in a strained relationship that sounds like some version of this:
“You are making this a bigger deal than it is.” “You’re overreacting.” “Why are you making this a thing? Can’t you get over it?”
And underneath those words is something far deeper than the disagreement itself. It’s the quiet dismissal and rupture that communicates, “What matters to you isn’t important to me.”
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If you have experienced this, you know how painful and frustrating it can be to be misunderstood or minimized in a relationship.
And if you have said these phrases to someone — as most of us have — you might argue that you didn’t mean it the way it sounded. You were just trying to fix the situation and move past what created the disconnect. But when you do this, you miss something important and foundational:
If it matters to you, it matters to me.
It’s a sentence that sounds simple but isn’t. In fact, it’s one of the most challenging relational standards we can uphold, and one of the most transformational.
As a therapist, I have had a front-row seat to relationships that are in chaos, tumult, or ending. And in those moments, what forced the end of the relationship was not the whiplash from a singular event, but instead the weight of many interactions that slowly fractured the relationship and eroded connection.
But this statement requires us to do something most of us were never taught to do, which is to prioritize what others experience over what we intended.
The Gap Between Connection and Rejection
Stephen Covey, author of “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” popularized what many psychologists have long identified, which is a pattern where we judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions. It causes us to say things like:
“I didn’t mean it like that.” “I was just trying to help.” “You should know that’s not what I was saying.”
While all of those may be true, what’s also true is that they don’t resolve the experience of the other person.
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When you consider research by renowned psychiatrist Dan Siegel, a professor at UCLA School of Medicine, and others in interpersonal neurobiology and attachment, there is a recurring pattern whereby relationships are shaped not by what we meant, but by what others experienced. As our brain scans for things like safety, connection, and attunement, it doesn’t consider intention; rather, it asks if those things are present or missing.
This means that many of our relationships are not defined by whether we meant well, but instead, by how well it landed.
Why It’s So Challenging
Here’s the reality: If adopting the “If it matters to you, it matters to me” approach was easy, we’d all be doing it, and all of our relationships would be thriving. But that isn’t always the case. Not because we don’t want relationships that flourish, but because adopting this posture challenges our sense of control.
Jason VanRuler, MA, CSAT, is a psychotherapist, author of “Discovering Your Communication Type” and a nationally recognized speaker specializing in communication, attachment, and relationships. (Zondervan)
To adopt this mindset means to set aside your intentions and experiences and instead enter someone else’s inner world. It also means that you don’t choose if something matters to someone and instead recognize that it does. This is a profound gift, and one that some have never received for themselves. And that’s uncomfortable territory for many of us.
However, as author and strategist Robert Greene has noted in his writing, a great deal of power in human dynamics stems from understanding rather than manipulating or controlling the perceptions of others. In a relationship, when understanding is the priority, the person who can hear and respond to the other party’s feelings and emotional reality then holds a much deeper kind of influence that is built upon trust.
The Cost of Choosing Intentions Over Experience
As a therapist, I have had a front-row seat to relationships that are in chaos, tumult, or ending. And in those moments, what forced the end of the relationship was not the whiplash from a singular event, but instead the weight of many interactions that slowly fractured the relationship and eroded connection.
We lose each other along the way, not because we don’t care, but because we don’t see how differently we’re wired. (iStock)
Over time, narratives and stories emerge that sound like:
“I guess I don’t matter to you.” “I don’t think that you understand or see me.” “I’m not being heard.”
The cost of these sentiments adds up. Eventually, people who don’t feel like they have a voice or matter in a relationship tend to protect and guard themselves instead of leaning in and getting vulnerable. And over time, those seemingly small ruptures add up to a chasm too large for the relationship to cross.
How to Practice This
Living out this practice doesn’t mean that you must agree with everything or that you should abandon yourself. Instead, it’s quite the opposite. It means starting with connection in mind rather than correction. This looks like acknowledging and offering compassion and grace before moving into your opinion or questioning someone else’s.
It looks like slowing down enough — and being present enough — to meet someone where they are before you tell them to meet you.
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It looks like knowing your partner’s communication type as well as your own. Once you understand how to communicate better, it’s easier to be honest about what matters to you.
Everyone longs to be seen, heard, and understood, but we all take a different path. Often, we fail to realize that disconnection isn’t always personal; it’s patterned.
We lose each other along the way, not because we don’t care, but because we don’t see how differently we’re wired.
I was inspired to write “Discovering Your Communication Type” because I saw over and over again with my clients that communication is not one-size-fits-all.
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We are all on a different path. But the good news is that there is a way forward with greater connection.
When you say, “If it matters to you, it matters to me,” you aren’t just improving a relationship, you are laying the foundation to better communication and deeper connection.
