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Physical intimacy isn’t a regular occurrence for every married couple in America, research suggests.
Recent data from the General Social Survey, conducted by NORC at the University of Chicago, shows that 32.5% of married adult respondents said they have not had sex “at all” during the last 12 months. Just 4.1% reported that they have sex more than three times a week.
Dr. Anna Elton, a licensed marriage and family therapist and clinical sexologist in Massachusetts, told Digital that although sexual frequency varies by couple, the national standard is about once a week. The expert defined a “sexless marriage” as being physically intimate 10 or fewer times per year.
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Decline in intimacy can be caused by a variety of factors, from juggling busy families to hormone imbalances, she noted. In most cases, however, the original relationship spark has faded.
A clinical sexologist defines a “sexless marriage” as having sex 10 or fewer times per year. (iStock)
Elton, author of the book “The Formula of Desire,” shared some tips and exercises for livening up a relationship, with the goal of reigniting intimacy in the bedroom.
No. 1: Stay positive
For couples who may be struggling with their marriage or sex life, Elton suggested that the first step should be to focus on what is going well.
“If there are too many resentments built up, the wall is too high,” she said. “And then partners can’t just be intimate. They need to start with emotional connection.”
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For one week, Elton recommended focusing on the positive aspects of the relationship, making mental notes and sharing them with your partner. This exercise can “shift the whole relationship,” she said.
“A lot of conversations in long-term relationships end up being just logistics,” she said. “So, think about [avoiding] the neutral conversations or negative conversations.”
The expert shared that she’s seen many women who say they lack any desire to be intimate due to stress and a lost connection to their partner. (iStock)
In her own practice, Elton said she’s seen many women who lack any desire to be intimate due to stress and a lost connection to their partner.
“When they started checking in, expressing gratitude, it actually shifted the climate of the relationship,” she said.
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“You need to find time, you need to be intentional, because unfortunately, we always find time to be on our phones, to play little games, to scroll on social media, but we don’t find time to be with our partners.”
Choosing one night as a “tech-free” night can be a great way to re-connect with your partner, Elton recommended.
No. 2: Bring back the fun
Couples struggling with intimacy often have one thing in common, according to Elton’s experience with clients.
When they were asked what they had at the beginning of their relationship that was now missing, the answer was unanimous: fun.
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“If we don’t have fun, what’s the point?” Elton asked. “We need to bring fun back into the relationship.”
The sexologist recommended another exercise — A-to-Z date nights, where couples choose an activity that starts with a different letter of the alphabet for each date.
Bringing back the fun with novelty in dating can help revamp desire in a marriage, the expert said. (iStock)
For example, the letter A might be axe-throwing or an art gallery, while B could be bowling or the beach.
“M is my favorite – movie and massage,” Elton said. “My husband picks a movie; I get a massage. I pick a movie and still get a massage … This definitely helps to bring back that connection, and also novelty brings desire back to couples.”
No. 3: Flirt and flaunt
With fun comes flirting, Elton added, which typically fades as a relationship ages.
“When couples have been together for a long time, I ask them, ‘So, how do you flirt with your partner? How do you let them know about your erotic intentions?’ And they say, ‘Oh, we don’t flirt.’”
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Oftentimes, an attempt at flirting gets lost in translation, the expert noted, so creating a “new language of flirting” can help spice up the relationship and spark moments of intimacy.
A 20-second hug or a six-second kiss with your partner can boost oxytocin, the expert said. (iStock)
A lack of self-desire as people age can also get in the way of accepting advances for intimacy from partners.
“With women, [with] changing bodies and aging and stress, sometimes we don’t feel our best and we may think, ‘I don’t know why my partner wants me. I don’t want myself,’” Elton said.
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The expert shared small steps that can help produce the love and bonding hormone oxytocin, boosting connection both personally and between partners.
This includes intimate physical contact with your partner, such as a 20-second hug or a six-second kiss.
Similarly, small acts of self-care, such as applying lotion or following a skincare routine, can help people “feel more connected with themselves,” according to Elton.
