Sarah Shahi‘s new book reveals harrowing details about an incident when her dad held a gun to her head when she was 6 years old.
“In a way, my dad was the perfect dad because he wasn’t around. And my mom did everything — she was the mother and the father and so I have a lot of her in me,” Shahi, 46, exclusively told Us Weekly about the excerpts in her book Life Is Lifey: The A to Z’s on Navigating Life’s Messy Middle, which is out now. “My trauma came from the abandonment of my father and in relationships the way that has shown up for me, which is I feel like I have to prove myself in order for someone to stay.”
She continued: “Or if I have a fight with somebody, I’m really scared that they’re going to leave. So those are the ways in which my relationship with my father, like the trauma that that created in me as an adult. That’s how that showed up.”
In the advice book, Shahi addressed her late father’s drug addiction, which led to a number of difficult experiences when she was a child.
“My father, God bless his soul, was a drug addict. He was abusive not only to my mother, but one fateful summer afternoon, to me, too,” she wrote. “He was in the middle of a bad episode when he took me outside, held me on his hip, and held a gun to my head. I was 6 and don’t remember anything prior to this moment. But I remember what happened after.”
Shahi recalled “how cold the metal was” against her head and how her dad whispered that she was “too good, too pure, to be living in this world” so it was time for them to “go home.”
“His drug-fueled plan was clear: kill me then himself,” she continued. “In his twisted mind, my mother would follow, taking her own life in despair.”
Shahi’s mother ultimately saved her by getting the gun out of her father’s hands. Their family moved temporarily into a women’s shelter before Shahi’s mother and father got back together a handful of times. The actress recalled officially cutting ties when she was 22.
“I changed my number and never spoke to him again,” she wrote. “He died when I was 35. Alone. Overdose. I cried for months, not mourning his death but the loss of the hope that things would ever change.”
While speaking to Us, Shahi addressed the decision to include those details from her life.
“I refuse to believe that the pain that I experienced was for nothing,” she explained. “So that became my driving force in talking about the hard things and my purpose for sharing those things were never to make anybody look bad or to throw anybody under the bus, even my own dad. But it was just to say these are the things that I learned from it on the other side.”
Shahi instead chose to look at the challenges as a lesson, adding, “I feel like with all of my relationships — not just with men — but in terms of my relationship with my father, with my sister, with working relationships and partnerships, everyone is there to teach me something.” .”
After reflecting on her dad’s personal battles, Shahi chose not to pass judgement.
“All of those men that I refer to in the book, they absolutely helped me see a version of myself that I hadn’t seen before. Relationships really do hold up a mirror. They hold up a mirror to your flaws, to your weaknesses, to the places in which you’re not healed,” she noted. “It was really great because I got to experience that and I got to look at that and grow from it. I have nothing but wonderful memories, even if they’re not wonderful. I have nothing but love and gratitude.”
She continued: “Everyone is doing the best that they can in the moment. I’m also nobody to really judge them and say this was right or this was wrong, because they were doing the best that they can. Just like I was doing the best that I can.”
Shahi expressed gratitude to her mom — and therapy — for helping her work through past childhood trauma.
“As I got to be older, I entered therapy. It’s kind of funny that I play a therapist on Paradise, because it’s like, I’ve been a product of therapy for over 20 years,” she told Us. “If you’re living life from a very surface level, you’re missing out on so many great things. For me, it’s just a constant challenge to evolve spiritually, to evolve mentally. I’d rather be happy than sad. So if there is something that I’m sad about, let me work on it and try to look at it from a different perspective.”
Life Is Lifey is on newsstands now.
If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health and/or substance use, you are not alone. Seek immediate intervention — call 911 for medical attention; 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline; or 1-800-662-HELP for the SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) National Helpline.
